


You're human too.

by beneaththeskin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Biting, Blood and Gore, Cuddling & Snuggling, Kissing, Light BDSM, M/M, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 22:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beneaththeskin/pseuds/beneaththeskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin x Levi  fanfiction in which Levi has PTSD and is having a difficult time dealing with it. Levi is currently living with his lover Erwin in the Survey Corps, but doesn't find confiding in him too appealing, and tries to resort to other methods.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're human too.

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: PTSD-themed, dark, possibly depressing, emotionally messed up. Gore. Hope the ending makes up for that though~  
> My first time ever writing fanfiction though, so I apologize in advance D:

After another long day of work in the Survey Corps, Levi was dragging himself back to his room. It had been pretty stressful and he was in desperate need of an outlet. Unfortunately, as he opened the door, Erwin was not there yet. Bummer.

_Just as I was hoping he’d be here already. It’s already past midnight.._

With no better options at hand, Levi cracked open a beer and threw himself on the sofa. He would’ve rather thrown himself on Erwin instead, though.

_Shitty-ass lover, that Erwin._

Before he knew it, Levi had already downed around 5-6 beers out of frustration, and due to the mix of moderate intoxication and being exhausted, dozed off.

[A loud roar could be heard from the distance. Mikasa is yelling 'Eren'.

_This roar.. it's..!_

Levi's heart dropped at the thought. He instantly realizes what course of action must have happened. If Eren turned into a titan, his squad must have.. But there is no time to think, Mikasa already burst off in the direction of the loud noise, Levi right after. Not much time passes until he sees Gunther's dead body hanging in the air, neck slashed. Eld's body is in half. Oluo is lying on the ground beside Petra, who's body is leaning against a tree. He had just seen his squad, alive, and now they're all gone because of the female titan. Or because of his choices.

 _If I had been with them, this might've not.. I might've been able to.. I might have been able to.._  

"-vi! Levi!" he heard in the distance.

 _Eh?_ ]

„Levi!“

„Haa-!“ and Levi woke to a gasp and a large hand on his shoulder, still vividly remembering the dream. He had trouble settling his heartbeat, and his anger towards himself just kept growing.

_Don't think of this right now, self, this isn't helping. This isn't going to bring any of them back. There's no changing the past._

"You looked like you were having a bad dream," Erwin commented, looking at Levi's direction while taking off his jacket.

"I'm fine."  _I don't need to trouble you, too. You've got enough on your own mind._

There is, however, something certainly neither of them would mind doing right about now. And so Levi got off the sofa, walked straight to Erwin, grabbed his collar and shoved his tongue in his mouth. Erwin let out a slight groan of surprise and pulled away for a moment.

"You smell of alcohol," he said as he leaned back in for another kiss.

"Shut up. You're going to do it, right?" Levi replied, running his hand down Erwin's shirt.

Erwin responded by putting his arms around Levi, lifting him up and moving towards the bedroom, all the while continuing kissing. He gently laid Levi on the bed and took off his boots. Then he moved on to taking off his 3D Manoeuvre Gear and unbuttoning his shirt, while laying kisses on his neck and collarbone. Levi idly observed him, the contents of his dream still weighing on his mind. 

_This is not the time. Snap out of it._

By now he was craving some release, so he guided Erwin to lay on his back and leaned down towards his crotch.

"You're quite impatient today, Levi. This isn't like you," Erwin worried, but Levi ignored him.

He undid Erwin's belt and started touching him through his underwear. Teasing a bit by only touching lightly at first, but adding more and more strength to it. It didn't take long for Erwin to get erect, and his face also looked excited enough.

_He's in the mood. Good._

Levi wasted no time and pulled down Erwin's underwear, exposing his member to the cool air of the room. He rested his arms at Erwin's sides and proceeded to run his tongue up his length and around the head, prying a bit at the very tip. Erwin then stroked his cheek, and followed down his jaw and below his ear. Levi licked a bit at his own lips and took Erwin's member to his mouth. He ran his tongue around from side to side and inched to take it deeper, struggling slightly. Noticing Erwin growing harder, he started to move up and down, going as far as he could while trying not to gag. By this time, Levi's own erection was giving him more of a difficult time than Erwin's. The constriction in his pants was becoming quite painful, and he lowered a hand to undo his belt. To that, Erwin guided his mouth away from him.

"That's enough," he said as he arched forward to help Levi take off his pants. "Turn this way."

Erwin indicated Levi to turn his back to him and rest on his hands. He then reached for the drawer where they keep the lubricant, but Levi interrupted.

"No need for that, just put it in."  _  
_

"Are you sure? It'll hurt-"

"Just do it."  _I want it to hurt.._

Erwin was a bit hesitant. He placed one hand on Levi's back, as if making sure he's okay, to which Levi slightly flinched of surprise. Erwin then rubbed a bit around Levi's entrance with his fingers, placed his member at it, and slowly started pushing in.

"Ah-," a moan escaped Levi's mouth, and he lowered his head, biting his lip.

_Fuck, this hurts. And it's not even all the way in yet.._

Erwin continued pushing in, thought it didn't go too well since it was quite tight without lubrication.

"Does it hurt?" Erwin asked while rubbing his back.

"N-no," Levi managed to reply, his breathing aggravated.

_Fuck yes it hurts. But he'd likely stop if I told him, and I want it to be painful right now._

After a while, Erwin was in all the way, and slowly started moving. Levi went down on his elbows, trying to endure and hold back his voice.

_Fucking fuck, I never would've thought it could hurt this much. But I deserve this. This is nothing compared to what some of the soldiers have been through. This is the least I could do.._

Then Levi remembered Eren, who had to bite his hand every time to turn into a titan. He then held onto the bedsheet with his left hand, and bit down on his right forearm.

_Indeed, this isn't easy. I put force into it and it barely left a mark. And as expected, this hurts like fuck._

Levi then continued to bite himself while Erwin moved inside him, resulting in double the pain. And Erwin gradually started moving faster and with more force, too, likely oblivious to Levi's pain. At some point Erwin had moved his hand between Levi's legs, but he barely even noticed. Levi bit down harder and harder, his arm already turning purple-ish and occasional muffled moans escaping his mouth.

_Shit, fuck. This isn't something to cry out about. I'm humanity's fucking strongest, aren't I? ..So why can't I save anyone?_

His distress only growing, Levi bit his forearm with all his strength, and suddenly felt a taste of iron in his mouth. But that didn't stop him. He just moved his mouth from that particular spot, and repeated. This drew more and more blood.

"Ngh-, gh-," Levi's moans grew louder. "Ah!"

He moved his head away, mouth full of blood, and tried to catch his breath a bit.

_I hate myself so much right now.._

And suddely he felt Erwin kiss his upper back. His stomach dropped.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Erwin asked in a soft voice.

...No reply.

Levi wasn't particularly confident he would sound normal right now, and somehow didn't want to lie either.

"Levi?"

Erwin leaned forward against Levi's back, only to find him drowning in his own blood.

"Levi?! Why didn't you say anything?"

Erwin abruptly pulled out and pulled Levi in a tight hug. Levi didn't give a reply and just laid in his arms, limp.

_And now I've managed to worry you._

"You're bleeding so much.." he said as he placed his head on Levi's and caressed him.

Erwin then took his own shirt and wrapped it around Levi's arm to stop the bleeding.

"Erw-, you'll ruin your shirt.." and Levi struggled a little.

"That's not important right now. Hold onto this, I'll be right back."

Erwin adjusted his pants, went to the kitchen and returned with a first-aid kit. Levi just stared blankly into space while Erwin searched for antiseptic, adhesive band-aids and such. He then gently took the shirt from him and started cleaning the blood around the wounds. When Erwin finished wrapping the band-aid around his arm, he let out a sigh.

"I know you may not want me to ask this, but.. what has been tugging at your heart so much that you feel the need to hurt yourself?" Erwin asked, gently wiping off the blood on Levi's face and neck.

_Eh?_

"That-.." Levi was baffled.

_I am not the one who needs consoling, I'm at fault here. All of this is my fault. I deserve a lot worse.._

"You don't have to say anything right away. I just really want you to be okay."

Levi dropped his forehead against Erwin's chest.

"Why do you care about me so much? I don't.. understand.. Because of me, so many people have.." and Levi had to swallow the last word, with the lump forming in his throat. "This doesn't even- compare.. I deserve to-"  _die. For all I've done._

Erwin started to stroke Levi's back.

"I love you, Levi. You know that? And you've done your best, right? Unfortunately, no matter what you do, you can't save everyone."

"Hic-, gh-" and Levi nuzzled his head further into Erwin's chest, trying not to start crying.

Erwin embraced him and gently caressed his head.

"It's okay to cry, Levi. Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It just means you've been strong for too long. You can let go now."

"But I never- cry hic-, I'm humanity's- strongest-"

"Even so, you're human too."

Feeling like a load was lifted off his back, Levi could no longer hold back the stream of tears, nor his voice. They didn't exchange any more words that night. Levi cried out loud and Erwin held him through it.

 

* * *

 

As the morning sun gently laid it's rays on the two, Levi woke in Erwin's embrace. His eyes were swollen and painful from crying his heart out last night.

_Ouch.. didn't even remember what that felt like._

He turned around and placed his forehead against Erwin's.

_'I am human too', huh?_

_I guess.._

_Things will be alright._


End file.
